Crossover
by Mel Ann Collie
Summary: A couple years ago, I experienced a psychotic break, and Diagnosis Murder greatly influenced my delusions. This is from a notebook I kept at the time.
1. Default Chapter

"Crossover"  
Narration by Mel Ann Collie   
  
A couple of years ago now, I experienced a psychotic break from reality, starting my first year of college. I thought of myself as a private investigator. My partner was John Cusack (the actor). I sometimes worked with the TV character MacGyver, against his enemy Murdoc. But the core of my delusion had to do with the television program Diagnosis Murder. I considered myself friends with all the characters, and as Steve's girlfriend. Recently, I came across a notebook that I kept during that time, and I decided to type it all up and post it. People might be interested in reading it. And it is, after all, a FORM of fanfic.   
  
During parts of the narration, you can see places where I am more in touch with reality than with others. What is true is very obvious. What I made up is even more apparent. Though this was once very real to me, it is fiction. I have no connection with John Cusack in real life. MacGyver and Murdoc are somebody else's property, as are the characters of Diagnosis Murder. There's a brief mention of Mulder from The X-Files. Again, doesn't belong to me. As for the individual Justin who is mentioned in my story, he is my real life friend, and I don't think he'll mind it. If he does though, he'll take it up with me. A character named TJ also appears, who is my older brother. But he's not real. He is completely a product of my mind.   
  
This is being published for entertainment purposes only.  
  
Thanks to dearjoan, who encouraged me to post this. You should all read her Diagnosis Murder fanfic "Black Jim", which is posted in this section. One of the best stories I've ever read! SOO love it!   
  
-----  
  
April 3, 2000  
  
Field Notes:  
  
John and I were on our way to the university today when Murdoc and his hoods open-fired on us. We hit the dust, and Murdoc's goons continued to fire until they had driven out of range. John wasn't aware that I'm on another assignment with MacGyver. I told him not to tell Steve when we'd meet up with him at Uni. I didn't want Steve to worry about my life being in danger. John agreed reluctantly.  
  
Nevertheless, Steve was concerned. He knew I was on two assignments but not that Murdoc had found me. John said he'd be with me all day. Steve finally went to work, late. He wanted to stay and watch over me. But he knows I understand the dangers of my job as a PI.   
  
-----  
  
April 4, 2000  
  
Steve was injured in the line of duty yesterday. He didn't want to tell me, but the bandage on his arm couldn't lie. He knows what happened with me and John, how we were attacked; John's cuts couldn't lie. Mine at least I could hide.  
  
Steve and I both played the overprotective one. We held one another and showed how we appreciate one another. Poor John must have felt alienated. But he understood. 


	2. 

April 4, 2000  
  
Jesse was standing by the elevators when I came out of therapy today. He was leaning against the wall.  
  
"Hey!" he smiled. "How did it go in there?"  
  
"You know I told her about you," I replied. "I told her about you, and Steve... well, all of you."  
  
Solemnly, Jesse nodded. "You said you would."  
  
"I hope Steve's not mad at me."  
  
The elevator opened, and we stepped on.  
  
"No, Steve's not mad!" Jesse replied. "He's with you all the way! And so am I!"  
  
"This is still tough."  
  
Nodding, Jesse took my hand in his. "Yeah," he breathed. "I know." Holding up our interdigitated hands, Jesse asked, "Will Steve mind this?" He raised his eyebrows.  
  
"No, Steve knows we're friends."  
  
Jesse held my hand tighter, and we walked to my car. Only to find Steve there.  
  
"Steve!" I exclaimed and ran to him. We embraced before hopping into the car. Jesse jumped into the trunk.  
  
"Steve, you didn't mind that Jess and I were holding hands, do you?"  
  
"Jesse!" Steve turned around, and Jesse cowered. "No, I'm fine with that. It was rough today, wasn't it."  
  
I nodded. "And Jesse was a real comfort. I thought he wouldn't be able to make it, because of work and all."  
  
Steve glanced into the back seat. "Then who's covering for you, Jess?"  
  
"Your dad."  
  
"Your father's so sweet," I smiled and turned to Steve. "So we're all free now? We can go see a movie together?"  
  
"Sure!" Steve smiled and leaned close to me. We kissed.  
  
"Hey, Jess!" I asked. "You want to come along?"  
  
"Sure! I won't be getting in the way?"  
  
"Never! You're my friend! Okay, what are we going to see?"  
  
"Whatever you two want." Steve replied.  
  
Looking into the back seat, I said, "Jesse? How about you?"  
  
Jesse smiled. "I'm in the mood for a comedy!"  
  
"How about High Fidelity?" I suggest.  
  
"Hey, John's in that one!" Steve pointed out.  
  
"Good! Then we'll see that one!" 


	3. 

April 10, 2000  
  
"Hey! Stir fry!" Jesse smiled as he entered the kitchen.  
  
"That's lunch," I told him. Pointing to the bagels on the counter, I added, "THAT'S breakfast!"  
  
"Oh!" Jesse swept two halves of a bagel off the counter and bit into one.   
  
I glanced at him while poking at my stir fry. "You're here early."  
  
Jesse shrugged. "Well, I missed you this weekend! How was it?"  
  
"Pretty lonely," I replied. "I pretty much just did homework."  
  
"You could have called," he said as he chewed the bagel.  
  
I shook my head. "I knew you were working."  
  
Jesse laid down the bagel and put his hands on my shoulders. "Hey, Kel! You know my work comes second to you! You're my friend! You didn't see Steve either?"  
  
"No."  
  
Jesse sighed. "If that happens again, you call me. Okay?"  
  
"Yeah, Jess," I smiled at him. "Thanks!"  
  
---  
  
Steve met me after German class.  
  
"Hey!" he smiled. "How's your knee?"  
  
"Fine," I replied.  
  
"You didn't tell Jess, did you," Steve sighed; he already knew the answer. "Oh, Kel!"  
  
"I didn't want to make him needlessly worry."  
  
Widening his eyes, Steve exclaimed, "Your getting slammed into the ground by some punks is NOT needless worry! You were almost killed!"  
  
"I'm fine now."  
  
"You shouldn't even be walking on it..."  
  
"Steve!"  
  
Grimacing, he held up his hands. "Yeah, I know! You have a dangerous job, just like mine. But I still worry about you. I want to keep you safe."  
  
I embraced him. "You're so cute when you're being overprotective!"  
  
"Oh am I?" he smiled. "I'll have to do it more often!"  
  
"Steve!"  
  
He leaned in and kissed me. I just held him in my arms.  
  
"I'm sorry, Steve," I whispered. "I have to go to class now."  
  
"I know," he breathed his reply. "I just wish you didn't. Want me to go with you?"  
  
"Yes. But you have to return to work."  
  
He nodded. "Yeah, I know. Should I send John to watch you?"  
  
"I'm not in need of a body guard!"  
  
Steve raised an eyebrow. "For my peace of mind?"  
  
"Okay."  
  
Then he let me go.  
  
---  
  
John greeted me after Western Civ.  
  
"Hey, bodyguard!" I said when I saw him.  
  
"Bodyguard?!?" he exclaimed. "I'm your partner."  
  
"Well Steve seems to think that you're my bodyguard!"  
  
John laughed through closed lips. "Well Steve can just go on! How's your knee?"  
  
"What, is he telling everyone now that I only asked specifically that he keep it from Jesse?"  
  
"Again, Kel, I'm your partner," he replied, looking me in the eye. "I should know. Okay?"  
  
"Just don't baby me."  
  
"Like I would!"  
  
Smiling, I commented, "You remind me of Justin!"  
  
John nodded. "You miss him."  
  
I nodded.  
  
"So, is it time for statistics?"  
  
"You're going to school with me?!?" I exclaimed.  
  
"Kel, I'm going EVERYWHERE with you!"  
  
The corners of my lips turned up. "At Steve's request?"  
  
"We've got work to do."  
  
"Work. Right!"  
  
"Yeah, work!"  
  
"Right."  
  
---  
  
"How can you eat with those?" John asked me over lunch.   
  
"What? These?" I held up the chopsticks. "Doesn't everybody?"  
  
"You eat with chopsticks more than oriental people do!"  
  
"I just like them!"  
  
John smiled. "Steve's supposed to be showing up soon, right?"  
  
Nodding, I replied, "I sure hope so!"  
  
Steve approached the table. "Hey, guys," he said with a smile and sat down beside me. He put an arm around me and rested his hand on my shoulder. "Miss me?" He looked deep in my eyes.  
  
"When don't I?" I replied with a smile. I snuggled up closer to him.  
  
Steve looked over at my partner. "Hey, John!" he grinned. "Thanks for coming on such short notice!"  
  
"Thanks for telling me where she was!" John replied. He glanced over at me. "We're supposed to be partners, but she keeps running off to save the world!" He sipped his soda.  
  
"John!" I exclaimed. "I was going to call you later!"  
  
"Yeah," he chuckled. "Right!"  
  
"Are we going to fight?" Steve asked. "Or are we going to eat our lunch?"  
  
John sat back in his seat. "Well, unless we're having something really good for lunch, I opt to fight!"  
  
"Kel made stir fry," Steve informed my partner.  
  
John nodded. "Let's eat!"  
  
"Wait!" I exclaimed as the men reached for my Tupperware bowls. I wrapped my fingers around the cover. "We gotta wait for Jesse!"  
  
"He can deal!" John replied, grabbing the bottom of the bowl. We each pulled on the bowl, attempting to hold control over it.  
  
Then Jesse showed up.  
  
"Did I miss something?" he asked as he sat beside John. He watched as John and I fought over the Tupperware.  
  
"Not at all, Jess!" Steve replied. John released the Tupperware.  
  
Jesse sniffed the lid when I had removed it from the bowl. "I've been waiting all morning for this!" he announced. "I wanted it for breakfast!"  
  
"Okay, boys!" I set down the bowl. "Dig in!"  
  
The three each took a bowl from my bag and shoveled stir fry and rice into it.  
  
"Bon Appetit!" I smiled. "Remember to chew!"  
  
The meal was devoured in minutes.  
  
"So what's the game plan for today?" Steve asked as he wiped his mouth.  
  
I shrugged. "I don't know. What case are you on?"  
  
"Today I'm looking into a homicide."  
  
Silence.  
  
"Steve!" I slapped him on the shoulder. "Details?"  
  
"It occurred at a local business," Steve informed me. "It may just be a random act of violence, but I'm looking into it."  
  
I nodded. "Jess?" I asked, turning to him. "What are you up to?"  
  
"After lunch, I gotta work until late tonight." He raised his eyebrows. "Sorry, Kel!"  
  
"What? For working?"  
  
Steve turned to John. "You'll be staying with her all day. Right?"  
  
John nodded, resting his head on the wall. "For the work day, yeah! Steve! You gotta resign to the fact that Kel hold her own."  
  
Steve grimaced. "Yeah? Well yesterday scared me."  
  
Bewildered, Jesse asked, "What happened yesterday?"  
  
"Thanks, Steve!" I patted his shoulder. "While you're at it, have it announced on campus!" Sighing, I turned to Jesse. "Just a little run-in with Steve's last case. That's all."  
  
"The murderer went after us," Steve closed his eyes and added. "Mainly Kel. He tried to kill her. He pushed her down and had a gun held at her."  
  
Jesse's mouth dropped open. "Kel! Are you okay?"  
  
"Fine," I replied.  
  
Steve turned to me and whispered, "Do you want me to tell him about your knee?"  
  
I shook my head.  
  
---  
  
"I thought I'd lose you!" Steve whispered in my ear as we sauntered around campus. Jesse had gone back to work, and John was waiting for me in the classroom.  
  
Steve held me tight. "It was close, Kel."  
  
Flinging my arms around his neck, I breathed, "I love you."  
  
We stared into one another's eyes. "I love you too, Kel."  
  
We embraced, and he held me close. My eyes peeked out over his bulging muscles. Then my eyelids shut, and I squeezed him. His arms tightened around me.  
  
"I want to make sure that nothing bad ever happens to you," he whispered in my ear.  
  
"You can't, Steve," I whispered back.  
  
"But I want to."  
  
---  
  
Steve watched me as I pulled the blue chair to the row behind mine.  
  
"Why do you do that?" he asked as I sat down. He sat in the chair opposite me.  
  
"Do what?"  
  
"You move chairs, put your stuff around you, so that no one will sit next to you," Steve furrowed his eyebrows. "Why?"  
  
"I just don't like sitting around people," I looked down at the table. Then I looked into his eyes, seeking approval. "I don't like people."  
  
Steve raised his eyebrows. "Oh! So you don't like me?"  
  
"Steve!" I took his hands in mine. "I love you!"  
  
"You fear rejection from others."  
  
"Not really," I replied. "I don't know. I just don't like being around them. It's part of what I'm sorting out in therapy."  
  
Steve held my hands tighter. "You have a session tomorrow. Want me to go with you? You already told her about me."  
  
I shook my head. "I didn't exactly. I didn't mention names, or that I have a boyfriend."  
  
"Oh."  
  
"Should I tell her next time?"  
  
Steve shrugged. "I don't know. It's totally up to you. It's your therapy."  
  
"I'm still not sure what she thinks of it."  
  
Nodding, Steve said, "it's not always easy to tell. You might want to wait a while until you tell her about me. Don't say anything until you're comfortable.  
  
I nodded. "Okay."  
  
"I want this to be okay," he whispered. "Everything just seems so confusing right now." Steve signed. "Do you doubt me?"  
  
"No, Steve," I replied. My eyes sparkled with tears and looked up at him. "Sometimes I worry. But we ALL worry about something, don't' we?"  
  
Steve nodded.  
  
"Someday," he said, "everything will be perfect." 


	4. 

April 14, 2000  
  
I was in such a hurry to get to school today that I side-swiped a city bus...  
  
And didn't stop.  
  
I didn't want to tell Steve. I walked with Mark, Jesse, and Amanda to my German class, (after I'd discovered that I'd rushed to HTML class all for nothing). I didn't see Steve walk up behind me as I spoke to the other three. Steve put his arms around me. He spoke softly. I didn't want him mad at me, and I was so afraid that he was.  
  
Mark stepped back, and Steve held my hand. He assured me that he wasn't mad. He said I'd been scared, and I was too afraid to stop. And I couldn't stop the accident from occurring in the first place.  
  
Mark met me after class. He walked with me back to my car. He was concerned about my arm. It's been a little sore today. Mark checked my arm in the ladies room. He found no bruises. He says it's a muscle problem and that it should pass.  
  
He said something was affecting my gait. So I told him about my lower back pain. Mark's going to check it out better later. For now, he told me to rest this weekend.  
  
The mirror on the passenger's door is cracked. 


	5. 

April 17, 2000  
  
"Steve!" I exclaimed after classes today. I was so happy to see him after such a long separation.  
  
He took my hand, and we walked to my car. I told him that I'd told Justin what's going on. Steve couldn't understand why I hadn't told Justin sooner. I told Steve I couldn't.  
  
I've missed him this weekend. The two of us have been apart too much lately, isolated in our own worlds. He wanted to go out this afternoon, but I really can't, not with all the homework I have to prepare for Friday, when I go to Florida. I plan to take my tape recorder so I can sort through some things. And I need AA batteries for that and my CD player. 


	6. 

April 19, 2000  
  
Mulder met me after therapy yesterday. I told him how they're giving me a new counselor. He understands how rough that is, my psych major friend.  
  
This morning, I ran a red light, unwittingly this time. What's Steve going to say? I'm far too wreckless to be a detective's girl! 


	7. 

April 26, 2000  
  
This morning was not the most fun. Steve met me on the way to German class and told me that maybe we shouldn't see each other anymore. We talked about it. Turns out, he thinks that me and Jesse are getting serious. I assured him that Jess and I are friends and I harbor no romantic feelings toward him. Steve believed me. But he's not quite so sure that Jess doesn't have feelings for me.  
  
He also said that he thinks I might be better off with someone else. He says there are guys interested in me who would be better for me. I wish he hadn't seen anyone hitting on me. Because of his track record in dating, he has low confidence.  
  
I told him that I only want to be with him. I said I'd even like to marry him, because I want to be with him always.  
  
I begged him not to leave. He apologized for scaring me like that. And we embraced. I was so close to tears, and he knew it. I so don't want to lose him.  
  
I barely see him now. My friends are fading. Perhaps I should have never mentioned them to the therapist. Will they all disappear? I want so much to be with them. I want to be with them more all the time. But it's so difficult. My mind is clouded with all this stuff, and I hate it. I want to cross over.  
  
If I write more, maybe I will.  
  
Today I go to the psychiatrist to get medication. Will they disappear after I take pills?  
  
I'm worried now. Maybe Steve is too. Maybe that's why he attempted to break it off. But I'm not letting him go that easily...  
  
I can't afford to lose Steve, or any of my friends. What if it happens? Other people I know do NOT compare with these.  
  
"Steve?" I look into his fading eyes. "What if today is the last time I see you? Or even hear from you? What if they take you from me?"  
  
Steve takes my hand, holding it between his. "I'm not going away without a fight."  
  
"But you were breaking up with me before."  
  
Shaking his head, he says, "Kel, I'm only going away if it'll make you happier. Even if we break up, I'm still your friend. That's a constant. Throughout the years."  
  
"Steve," I cry, "I want to be with you always!"  
  
I don't see him now, but he's still with me.  
  
"Take me with you!" I beg. "Take me to our friends, away from the earth and its rottenness! I despise this place! Help me leave!"  
  
"I wish I could!"  
  
"Mark says that if I write well enough, one day I'll cross over. I want to cross over now! Why can't I find the door?"  
  
"Maybe you need to stay."  
  
"No!"  
  
"Or maybe you are meant to go. You just have to find a way."  
  
"I want to find my way to you, Steve! Where are you?"  
  
"Right here."  
  
"Then why can't I see you?"  
  
"Because something's in the way. What you need to do is dream. Loosen the grasp on you and slip free from your bonds!"  
  
"Can you untie me?"  
  
"Wish I could. Close your eyes, Kel! Dream of us together. Dream that you are free!"  
  
"I want so much to be free!"  
  
"Then dream!"  
  
---  
  
I saw TJ again today, after so long. He realizes the progress I've made in discovering where I belong.  
  
We discussed the past. He says it was so easy to please me when I was young. And it still is. And he doesn't know why more people haven't been there for me.  
  
He used to take me to McDonalds, and to play sports. He supported me. He was always there for me too. Why were we born in different worlds?  
  
According to TJ, I was supposed to be from Magicland, not here. He says that's why I knew about it so early on. And how I know about him. He says that Mother knew about him too, but she didn't want him. She didn't want my brother.  
  
Somehow, he ended up here. But I was never meant to.  
  
Everything is starting to make sense now! I drew TJ because he was real! Mother would rip up the pictures because she didn't want me to know about TJ! I have never fit in here, and THAT is why! TJ helped me figure out that I TRULY belong in Magicland!  
  
... But now I know why I'm lonely in this world and why I can never be anything but lonely as long as I'm here. I have such limited contact from my people. And they often only come through in waves of static. Maybe I can learn to improve my communication with them, now that I understand that I'm one of them.  
  
Lucid dreaming becomes more important now. 


	8. 

April 29 2000  
  
Steve met me after statistics, (the final). I asked him if Mark spoke to him about what I had said to Mark. Steve didn't think crossing over would be good, when he first thought about it. But, the more we spoke, the more he agreed with me.  
  
I can't take this world any longer. I can't live here. I want to cross over, to where people are good. And I'd be good, leaving behind this corruptible flesh. I'd go where there is love.  
  
TJ's the only one who was really ever protecting me. And I was told he's not real. My brother not real?  
  
Steve wants to go see a movie, spend some more time with me. If I could only be with him, and all my friends. I'm hating it here more and more each day.  
  
Mark doesn't think the medication will wipe out my vision. He and TJ went with me to my appointment on Wednesday. TJ wanted Mark there to make sure they game me medication that would be okay. I hope Mark is right. How can it be tested? How can anyone know what ANY drugs will do to the connection to other worlds? 


	9. 

May 25 2000  
  
I haven't seen Steve in a long time. I'm worried about him. At first, I was worried about us. But Mark hasn't seen him either. Steve is really missing.  
  
I have spent time with Mark and Jesse lately. I spoke with Mark yesterday, after my appointment. He doesn't believe that I'm schizophrenic, and he says that he thinks I don't believe it either. He's sure that, if I were to be put on antipsychotics, I would never see them again.   
  
We talked after class too. I asked Mark if he's happy. He says he is, that he loves his son, his friends, and his job, that he's quite happy. I told him that my happiness is contingent upon crossing over to their world.  
  
-----------------------  
  
There's more, but it's X-Men themed. So I'm going to write "Crossover II" separately and post it in the X-Men comic series section. If you're interested, the link is in my profile. Thanks. Feedback is much appreciated too. 


End file.
